His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
