apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
