White coat. Heels.
Yo dont text me then not text me
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
