Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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