Im at strip club and am horny
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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