I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
