worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
