I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
