This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
