im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
