you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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