That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
