well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
