I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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