We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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