the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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