i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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