She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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