the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
