hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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