I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
