census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
