please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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