True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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