saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
