how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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