I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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