omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
