Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
