UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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