No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
