I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
