I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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