That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
