Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
