Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
