chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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