I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
