I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
we're making bets on your personal life
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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