the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
