god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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