Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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