He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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