as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize