respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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