Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize