hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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