can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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