Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
