I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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