My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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