New invention idea: vibrating tampons
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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