I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
