Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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