jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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