I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
