: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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