I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
